Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year's Resolutions and Motherhood

When you are pregnant, people will tell you how you will worry about everything regarding your children but they omit the part about how much you will worry about yourself to.

I can't think of anything worse than my children not having the one thing they need.  Me.  I know what it is like to lose a parent.  My father died when I was 13.

I was a worrier as a child.  I would worry that the tickle in my throat was something more sinister when in fact it was just that-a tickle.  When my father was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12, I worried that I would be stricken with the disease.

Eventually, I seemed to outgrow my hypochondria.  I went to college, and for the first time became totally independent. After college,  between substituting two days a week, working in a clothing store full-time, searching for a full-time teaching job, and attempting to have what resembled a social life, I didn't have time to worry about my health.  I wasn't dependent on anyone and no one was dependent on me.  Maybe that was why I stopped worrying so much.

Then, I met my husband.  He was always worried about his health and I would even tease him about it.  Then we had children.

All those worries came back in full force for me to.  We do try to eat healthy, exercise (well I at least try to) but there are no guarantees in this world.  Is everything we do enough?

Have you ever heard the song "If I Die Young"?

The first time I heard the lyrics I thought what if?

We would all like our words and whatever wisdom we have to live on.  This blog has become my journal of sorts since I stink at actually keeping a journal.  Remember my last New Year's resolution?  I wanted to write 34 words a day in my journal.  How did I do?  I made it to the middle of January and the rest of the journal is blank.  Defeated by 34 words.

I know I am a good mom.  I screw up a lot (like the one night when I took Emmy to dance class on the wrong night) but I love my children fiercely.  I want them to know that through their memories but also through my own words. We can't always control what fate has in store for us.

How often do we reflect on our lives and how we live them?  Having children makes us do that every day. I want them to know that they have changed me for the better.

There are no guarantees.

My New Year's resolution this year?  Not to make a resolution. Every day is a chance to start over.

I know a little bit of worry is good and I may even make another attempt at writing in my journal.  I'm going to continue blogging of course. 

Tomorrow Bob goes back to work after being on vacation for almost two weeks and back to the gym I go.  Out of the pantry will go all of the goodies that we stocked over the holidays for entertaining except for the cookies I just made.  Hey, a little indulgence is good, remember.

Did you make a New Year's resolution? If so, I'd love to know what your resolution is!

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